Pressing On

I can't know why you do the things that you do. And, as recently as a few weeks ago, a post like the one you made last night would have been… devastating.

Well, at least now one thing I can say for sure is that your post was not evidence that I've been delusional. You don't invite a man into your house in the dark of night and give him a beer if you don't have interest in him. You don't turn around a couple weeks later and tell that same man that you should spend a lot more time together, and then continue to tell him that you've been dreaming of spending time with him… if you don't want to spend time with him.

I don't think you're trying to make me jealous. That doesn't feel like your style. You're far too kind to use pain as a weapon.

It was harder for me to let go of this idea than I care to admit, but I don't think it's that I've run out the clock. That I missed my window. I've thought that countless times before, and then the very next time I saw you, you proved otherwise in one way or another.

So that just leaves a small handful of likely possibilities… or, depending on how you look at the thing, an infinite number of possibilities. But a handful that feel more likely than the rest.

Perhaps you just think I'm stronger than I am. Or… stronger than I was. Today has proven that I'm far more capable of handling these things now than I used to be. But, that doesn't mean it's easy.

Perhaps you're just polyamorous and you want to exhibit your love for him, while you still continue to love me. Honestly, as difficult as this would be, of the ideas I've come up with it is the most palatable. I'd rather get to be one of the few people with the privilege of loving you than not get to love you at all. Admittedly, I'd still have a lot of work to do. But I'd rather it be this than…

He's coercing you. I hate this idea, so very much. Because I hate how difficult and uncomfortable it would be for you, if it's true. There is nothing good about it. There's also probably no good reason to believe it's true. I don't know him well enough to say, one way or another. I'd like to think it's not in him. I prefer to see the good in people, even if those people are, for lack of a better term, rivals (and I need you to know I don't really think of him that way, just… I really can't think of a better word here).

But I've seen how controlling he can be about some things. And I saw how you reacted when he put his hand on your knee the other night. How still you became, after spending the entire evening grooving to the music. I could only see you from the corner of my eye, but your characteristic smile disappeared, instantly. And the way you eventually tried to shake him off. How the attempt failed.

You know, I'll confess I initially thought that would be a nice thing to remember, a way to combat my darker emotions when I see you being sweet or flirty with him. But even in the beginning I wasn't sure… I didn't know if that was the right reaction. I've since decided that it wasn't. I don't want you to be uncomfortable. I loathe the idea of him making you uncomfortable. I… started hoping I had misread your body language entirely.

But I don't think I did.

Anyways, until you and I can talk about these things openly, it's useless to speculate about why you made the post that you made. It was hard for me to see, but this is a hard situation. We're both doing our best to navigate it. There are landmines aplenty without me just blowing up because I got hit by some negative emotions.

But I won't be denying those negative emotions… denying negative emotions is almost certainly a big chunk of why my own situation is as unpalatable as it is… But I won't be indulging in them, either, or letting myself wallow in them.

I will not allow the Swamps of Sadness to pull me down, unlike poor sweet Artax…

Instead, I will press on. I have things I've been wanting to say to you when I get to talk to you next. I've got a text that I've been wanting to send you for days, but between work and other considerations I haven't been able to. I'll be sending it tonight.

And I will be dreaming of camping with you in just about two weeks. Just as you said you've been dreaming of camping with me.

I love you, my love. I'm sorry the path to each other is so difficult and treacherous. But, we'll work it out. I know we will.

You are my dream come true… coming true.

I'll see you soon, my love.

Yours,
♒️